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The Office Spec Script

The Office – Spec Script

SET IN FIRST SEASON

Company Softball

Written By Geoffrey Altrocchi

FADE IN:

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE.

MICHAEL IS SITTING AT HIS DESK, WITH HIS FEET UP IN THE AIR, PONDERING PHIL JACKSON’S BOOK, “MORE THAN A GAME”.

INT. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD

MICHAEL
Why do I love this book? Why am I reading this book? Well, because I think it’s important to management. Management style. My management. Of this office. It’s an important style of management, and I intend to bring this into my work place. Sports metaphor is the best way to manage – when you’re dealing with sales-

INT. DAY. OFFICE

DWIGHT WALKS BY MICHAEL, TRYING TO GET SOMEWHERE.

DWIGHT
Hey boss!

MICHAEL
How’s my quarterback?!

DWIGHT
Say what?!

MICHAEL
I’m like Bill Parcels and you’re my quarterback!

DWIGHT
Oooh! I like that!

MICHAEL
Hey Dwight! We have to start using some sports metaphor, and more importantly – visualization techniques. Envision good sales!

DWIGHT
OK! Great!

MICHAEL
No, come on, close your eyes with me, and envision good sales.

DWIGHT
OK!

DWIGHT GOES TO WHERE MICHAEL IS STANDING, AND CLOSES HIS EYES.
MICHAEL
Now, envision us going all the way this year, and beating everybody out  – you know, winning that northeastern, regional Superbowl conference of paper sales, Dunder Mifflin on top, you know a free all expenses paid trip to Newark, you know, the one that the other office wins all the time – that one.

DWIGHT
OK.

MICHAEL
Now, close your eyes, count to three, and what do you see?

DWIGHT
Pro softball player Jennie Fincher shaving her legs and tending to an assortment of nicks and bruises on her luscious but powerful legs . . . sorry!

MICHAEL
What? No. What?!

DWIGHT
Sorry, it just popped up, you know how she is with her little costume, I just, I think about that shit every 8 seconds of the day.

MICHAEL
No, well, no, that’s OK.

DWIGHT
Well, it’s great!

MICHAEL
I think about her too sometimes, at night, in the dark. One hundred mile slow-ball pitch is no joke my friend, no joke at all, no joke what so ever! That could really knock a man out!

DWIGHT
Well, in my fantasies, she forgot her top in the locker room, so she has to go out to the pitcher’s mound, in simply her bra and pants bottoms, which makes her coach real mad, so she gets spanked before she goes out there, by a female assistant coach, not that dike that they have doing the thing now.  I’ve uhm, I’ve worked it all out!

MICHAEL
Oooh, I like that! I like this one! Come into my office and let’s talk more about it!

INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE DAY.

MICHEAL AND DWIGHT ARE SITTING THERE, EATING POTATO CHIPS, TALKING ABOUT JENNIE FINCH’S BODY.  AS THIS HAPPENS, PAM WALKS IN TO BRING A MESSAGE. SHE IS WEARING A PARTICULARLY TIGHT SKIRT.

MICHAEL
Then what?!

DWIGHT
Well, now, she is walking out, well, now she has to run out, she is running out, and she is bouncing up and down, and each breast goes up and down at different times, you know, crazy like that!

MICHAEL
That’s crazy, and silly! But not as good as my fantasy!

PAM
What are you guys doing?! What are you talking about?

MICHAEL
Oh Pam! Hi!

MICHAEL TAKES HIS LEGS OFF THE DESK. BOTH MICHAEL AND DWIGHT HUP TO REAL QUICK. THEY OPEN UP THEIR EYES QUICKLY-

DWIGHT
Sorry Pam, didn’t know that you were watching.

INT. TALKING HEAD. PAM

PAM
Listen, I know how guys are, I grew up with six brothers, I know how they talk. But at work, I don’t know, it’s just inappropriate-
My skirt? You say, too high, you say? Nonsense, this old thing, this is just something I bought at Ross Dress for Less, I had no idea that they didn’t have my size!

(Uncomfortable pause)

INT. OFFICE. DAY.

PAM
Well, I was watching-

MICHAEL
HE WINKS TO DWIGHT
Pam, what do you say that we have an interdepartmental softball game?!

PAM
Softball ha?

MICHAL
Yeah, shirts and skins.

HE WINKS TO DWIGHT.

PAM
What? What was that wink for?!

MICHAEL
I didn’t wink!

HE WINKS AGAIN
PAM
Yes you did just then, I know a wink when I see one! What did you mean by that?!

MICHEAL
Nothing.

DWIGHT
You used to play softball didn’t you?

PAM
Dwight! How did you know that?! I, uhm, well, I wasn’t even that good, I just liked to play. That was a long time ago, you know, maybe middle school, oh wow!

DWIGHT
I bet you were great!

PAM
OK, Dwight, that’s creepy!

DWIGHT
What?!

PAM
“I bet you were great!”, just the way you said it, that, that kind of thing, that doesn’t work on me man, give it up!

DWIGHT
Whatever!

PAM
Listen, Michael, a softball game is not a totally bad idea, let me think about it!

SHE IS SMILING AS SHE WALKS OUT

MICHAEL:
(TO DWIGHT WHILE TAPPING ON THE BOOK).
See Kid, it’s all in the book.

Roll credits.

PAM WALKS BY JOHN’S DESK IN HER SKIRT. SHE TRIES TO BEND OVER RIGHT WHERE IS AND PICK IT UP. THIS IS NOT UNNOTICED BY JIM. HE LOOKS STRAIGHT TO THE CAMERA AND MOUTHS, “OH, MY, GOD!” AND CHEWS RIGHT DOWN ON HIS PENCIL, THE PENCIL BREAKS IN HIS MOUTH. HE LOOKS AROUND TO SEE IF ANYONE IS NOTICING.  HE SPITS OUT PIECES OF THE PENCIL IN HIS GARBAGE CAN.

PAM

SHE IS SMILING, NOT EVEN LOOKING AT JIM

Why did you just chomp down on your pencil?!

JIM
No reason!

PAM
Uh hu!

PAM SMILES AND WINKS TO THE CAMERA

INT. PAM. TALKING HEAD. DAY: I don’t know, this sexuality thing, as they call it, gives me this new sense of power. (She lets her hair down). What?! What are you looking at?! Ha?! Me! Oh . . . My . . . GOD! I am turning into one of those girls that I absolutely hated in high school . . . and college for that matter . . .. and you know what?! It’s kind of fun! I can’t wait to tell my sister about this?! Mmmm! Power corrupts they say! Oh . . . my . . . God!

INT. DAY.
DWIGHT MARCHES IN LIKE A NAZI TO THE MIDDLE OF THE OFFICE

DWIGHT
Here ye, here ye, everyone, please gather round, we are having an impromptu meeting everyone.

MICHAEL
That’s right kids, town hall style meeting. Let’s just gather around, and put our hands in our pockets, and just talk about stuff, you know! Town hall meeting, that’s it. Brother Hudson, how are you?! That’s right. how are the crops going?!

CUT TO, CLOSE UP ON, WHO IS APPALLED BY MICHAEL’S COMMENT. HE LOOKS RIGHT AT THE CAMERA.

INT TALKING HEAD JIM
I have got to get out of this place!

CUT TO MICHAEL WHO IS HOLDING THE TOWN-HALL STYLE MEETING
Good, listen, people if there are any concerns, now is your time to get them out!

STAN
Do we have to?

MICHAEL
No, Stan, you really don’t , if you don’t want to be part of progress, and still make your hourly wage staring at the computer screen, and watching your belly get fatter, you be my guest, but the rest of us-

STAN
OK! I will be at my desk, watching my belly get fat!

MEREDITH
I’m going to go sit down too, but I don’t want to watch myself get fat, I just don’t like standing up like this, if we aren’t going to talk about anything important, you know! Am I right!? This is silly, and it’s almost my break!

DWIGHT
You see, this is why we are 26th, 26th in our sales region! No dedication. No fear! No discipline! What’s that I hear you ask?! Yes, 26th, we are 26th in our district in sales. We need to insert, inseminate, instill you guys with something that will give you drive!

INT. DAY. JIM TALKING HEAD

JIM
Inseminate?! Wow! I was on Monster.com like all day last night, I just couldn’t find anything that would stick, you know!

HE STARES OFF INTO SPACE

JIM
I’m hungry!

INT. DAY. OFFICE

MICHAEL
OK then! This is a mandatory meeting, I was just kidding, but this is about fun people! Fun things, good things, good things to get the blood flowing, isn’t that right Stanley?!

MICHAEL GOES UP TO STANLY AND SLAPS HIM ON THE BACK, HARD!

STANLEYl
My blood is flowing Michael! (WITH RAGE) More than you’ll ever know!

INT. DAY. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
HE STARTS READING FROM “MORE THAN A GAME”, HE FINDS A QUOTE AND READS IT.

MICHAEL
We needed to finish off the season by winning all of our remaining six games to bring our season’s total to seventy. In truth, winning seventy meant nothing, but I told the guys it was important only as a way to keep their juices flowing”. Wow. What a master motivator, and leader of men. I need to do more of this in my life! Wow!

INT. DAY. MICHAEL’S TOWN HALL MEETING

MICHAEL rolling sleeves up
OK People, this is what we are going to do – we are going to have  a softball game, a MANDATORY softball game, but only if you want to!

STANLEY rolls eyes.

INT. STANLEY TALKING HEAD
I feel like white people are always up to dirty tricks, like “Mandatory but only if you want to. What is that?! What in the hell is that shit?! Well, it’s a trap if you ask me, it’s a bona fide trap, and I ain’t playin’ like that, I am not going out like that. I’ll go to the higher powers, if I need to. I will go to the higher powers if need be! I got the HR guy’s number right in my pocket here!

DWIGHT
OK, so first thing we need to know is, raise your hand if you have ever played softball –

Half the people raise their hands.

PAM raises her hand.

PAM’s boyfriend
Really?! I didn’t know that you played before.

PAM
Back in a past life. Long before we met! Middle school! I seem to remember being pretty good at it.

KELLY
Oh yeah? I used to play to, I used to be a pitcher, back at the JC that I attended.

PAM
Hey, that’s great!

PAM’s BOYFRIEND
That’s hot. You’re hot!

JIM looks up, he is not amused.

PAM
Well, I don’t know about hot, that’s kind of creepy. It’s softball, softball’s not hot, it’s a sport.

DWIGHT (overhearing that comment)
Hmmph!

MICHAEL (replying to the same comment)
Oh no?!

MICHAEL winks to the camera.
Not hot! I hear you say?! OK! We shall see about that. Have you ever heard of Jennie Finch!

KELLY
Whatever, she wasn’t that good of a player!

PAM
Yeah, what gives about Jennie Finch? She wasn’t that good. I’ve seen better pitchers out there.

DWIGHT: (he is angry) She was a member of the US Olympic team, raise your hand if you’ve ever been a member of the US olympic team in softball . .  . what’s that . . . oh . . . that’s right.

INT. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
I don’t mean to sound creepy but I used to always, uhm, admire high school softball girls, high school softball players, from the bottom of my . . . heart. They always had a lot of (he does gesture with his hands to imply their tits) personality!

(He starts laughing). You know what I mean when I say personality, right?! Personality. That makes sense to you, right?!

INT. OFFICE DAY.

DWIGHT
OK, is everyone fired up?! I hope so, because this is going to rock the catspaw everyone. The catspaw people! Woo hoo!

MICHAEL
Dwight, Dwight!

DWIGHT
Yeah?

MICHAEL
People don’t say that anymore –

DWIGHT
Say what?!

MICHAEL
Rock the catspaw.

DWIGHT
Oh, OK!

INT. DAY. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
I love Dwight, don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy . . .

INT. OFFICE DAY. POV Pam’s boyfriend.

Pam walks by, she bends over in front of Jim again. Pam’s boyfriend, from way over, looks on and sees her. He smiles, not noticing that she is performing for Jim. He gets out his phone and sends her a text. We hear her phone vibrating on her desk.

INT. OFFICE. DAY.
PAM walks over to her desk, and makes a point of knocking her phone over again, and this drives Jim crazy!

INT. DAY. Closeup on PAM’s phone.

We see the text:

Hey baby! That’s wild that you’re doing what you’re doing! I love to see you bend over like that! You are one-hot chicken! I love that skirt you are wearing – where did you buy it?! Hey baby, I can’t wait to take it off you. Yeah! Signed, the biggest stud boy muffin in the world. Yeah!

INT. DAY. Closeup on Pam, she is not amused.

INT. DAY. TALKING HEAD

PAM
That’s just creepy.

SHE STARTS CRYING

INT. TALKING HEAD PAM
I was having fun with the whole sexuality thing, now it’s not fun, I don’t know why! I think that I am going to wear sweats to work tomorrow!

INT. SNACK MACHINE. DAY.

MICHAEL WALKS UP TO KELLY.

MICHAEL
(He talks in a loud, booming, over-emphasized English voice)
Hey Kelly, I know that where you are from, you play cricket, but where we are from, we play, of course, well we play softball. I can teach you about softball. We would be honored to have you on our team. Welcome!

He does a weird, sort of half Indian bow.

KELLY (In a made up Indian accent)
OK Michael, I would be very honored to participate in this saaaaaaaaacreeed American tradition. Thank you for having me. Thank you – come again! I must paint a red dot on my face first, and then I will join you! Thank you, come again!

MICHAEL
(Not sure what to make of this) OK, great!

MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
You see, just like that, I feel like my management skills are getting better, in a way I feel like a tribe elder, you see, I think that this book is really paying off and that Phil Jackson would be proud of me.

INT. DAY. TALKING HEAD

KELLY
I really need to get a new job. This guy is so racist. Little does he know that I was all state, four-A, girls champion in my junior college. Screw that asshole if he can’t see what’s coming to him. I will dominate him on Saturday. He is going down my friend. I wonder if I can rally any of the girls – we need to take his racist ass down for good. This is our chance! That’s it! This is our chance!

INT. MAIN OFFICE. DAY. MICHAEL WALKS RIGHT BY DWIGHT.

MICHAEL (holding up a Maxim’s magazine):
Dwight, I want you to come and brainstorm with me.

DWIGHT
OK, yes, what’s next boss?

MICHAEL
Close your eyes with me for a second.

DWIGHT
OK

MICHAEL
What do you see?

DWIGHT
Well, we got that softball game coming up-

MICHAEL
What are you thinking?

DWIGHT:
Nothing!

MICHAEL
OK, well this is what I see: is us organizing the game so that each and everyone of the girls we want to see in Spandex, in the office, have to wear spandex, and, the one’s who don’t want to wear spandex or who we don’t want to wear spandex, will be on another team, do you see what I’m saying?

DWIGHT
I think, well maybe not-

MICHAEL
We separate the good from the ugly my friend, once and for all!

DWIGHT
Got it boss! I will buy the spandex today! Spandex shorts. One size too small, one size fits all.

MICHAEL
Good man, thank you sir.

DWIGHT
Any time boss.

INT. SNACK MACHINE DAY.

PAM
So, I heard that Michael is only planning this game as a way to see us girls in our tight spandex. It’s like, his way of separating out the hot ones, and the old ones in this office. Doesn’t that bother you?!

KELLY
Yes! I haven’t worked out in a while. Have you worked out?! I would love to look good in Spandex, like Marissa Miller, that bitch!

PAM
Yeah, I know, I could look good in Spandex, I work out a lot.

KELLY
I have noticed that, that you have been working out –

PAM
Yeah?!

KELLY
Yeah!

INT. DAY. Michael’s Office. He is sitting in there, hanging up a picture of Jenny Finch.  Pam walks in again, unannounced.

PAM (She has a sexy pink bow in her hair today)
They’re not going to let you keep that in here-

MICHAEL
OK, why not, well now hold on a second, how did you get in here so fast? I thought that I had that door locked.

PAM
I have the key, listen, you have a call from Janet on line 1.

MICHAEL (gulping)
Anyone I know?

PAM
Janet.

MICHAEL
Uh hu.

PAM
Your boss.

MICHAEL
Oh, that Janet, I see, you need to be more specific next time!

PAM
OK, I will, I will definitely work on being more specific when your boss is calling.

MICHAEL
I would appreciate it. Thank you.

(testing the water)

Pam, could you try to pick up that piece of paper over there? I would really appreciate it!

PAM
Right, nice try Michael!

MICHAEL
Janet go!

JANET
Excuse me?!

MICHAEL
You’re on the air. Caller number one, go!

JANET
Michael?

MICHAEL
The one the only. You know me!

JANET
Michael, the regional sales managers are coming in this weekend, and I need you to be there with me, it will be Saturday, all day long, so, it’s going to be a doozy this one!

MICHAEL
OK.

JANET
Thanks

MICHAEL
Oh! Wait Janet!

JANET
Yes Michael?

MICHAEL
I can’t do it.

JANET
And why is that?!

MICHAEL
I got this thing, my office and I took the initiative to organize a company softball game, you would be very proud.

JANET
You can’t organize something like that without getting our permission – it’s against regulation, I mean, I mean, we don’t have insurance . . . it’s against the rules.  Michael, it’s a nice idea, but you have to consult with management before you do something like that, next time, OK?!

MICHAEL
Uh hu.

JANET
Michael, you’re going to have to cancel it.

MICHAEL
You used to play softball, didn’t you?!

JANET
Michael-

MICHAEL
Way back when. . . boy, I bet you were quite the looker! Spandex shorts, ha!

JANET
Michael!

MICHAEL
It’s gonna be a lot of fun, we’re got costumes picked out (he winks to the camera) picked out and everything. You should come by-
JANET
You’re going to have to cancel it –

MICHAEL
You’ll come around, listen Janet, I have to go, by!

JANET
Michael!

INT. Snack Machine Day.

KELLY IS IN THERE, WAITING FOR PAM.

KELLY
Boy, I really want to stick it to these guys on Saturday, you know, we should start practicing.

PAM
Oh, I can’t, I got all these things to do with my boyfriend and then I got to go to the gym, you know!

KELLY
The gym, you can’t just see this as a work out?! This is a work out. Oh, come on, I got the gear at home, you know! I think we should do this! Come on! I got all the gear, let’s do this, let’s get this thing together!

PAM
I just, I don’t know, I get tired, and I was going to go meet the boyfriend’s parents, just trying to be that girl, you know!

KELLY
Come on, it’s up to you. I don’t think you should let your boyfriend run your life.

PAM
Excuse me!

KELLY
You heard me! Boyfriend this, boyfriend that, you’re not even 30 yet girl! You have got to get out there!

PAM
I have obligations, to our relationship, you see, I have to hold true to that!

KELLY
OK, well, keep telling yourself that! I, personally, if you don’t follow through, I am going to the batting cage. I am just sick of sitting there, and watching television and falling asleep with my cat sitting on my lap, while I’m eating tapioca pudding, you know, after work! There has just got to be more to life than that, you know. I used to be fierce, on the field, as in life! And now, I have to listen to this jack ass Michael all day long. It’s him, he’s the one who wastes our time.  He’s the one wearing me out! Why am I not an executive, you know! WHY am I not doing anything with my life?! I mean, tapioca pudding and cats, I may end up single for my whole life! At least you have your boyfriend.

PAM
OK, we are going to practice on Friday.

KELLY
Oh, come on, don’t do it out of pity.

PAM
No, we are going to do it on Friday!

KELLY
OK!

INT. OFFICE DAY.

(HR GUY walks in)

STAN is looking on, as if he started it, as if he called the guy.

HR GUY
Michael!

MICHAEL
You learned how to knock in college, did you not?!

HR GUY
No, I learned that in grade school.

MICHAEL
So what happened just then? When you forgot to knock!

HR GUY
Huh! I guess I forgot.

MICHAEL
OK, just trying to keep this place professional, just trying to control things. Mechanism, mechanism . . .
(Michael does like a chi exercise with his hands, staying focused, the way that Phil Jackson would)

HR GUY
Listen Michael, you have to come out here, this will not fly – not in any way shape or form!

MICHAEL
What are you talking about?!

EXT. DWIGHT is handing out uniforms.

DWIGHT
Gather round, gather round, here ye, here ye. (To Jennifer) you get a uniform (To old lady) You don’t

OLD LADY with Red Hair
Why not?!

DWIGHT
You’re on the other team.

OLD LADY
Why?!

DWIGHT
Because.

OLD LADY
Because why?!

DWIGHT
Mcfly.

MICHAEL
What’s going on here?

DWIGHT (winking)
I’m making up the teams like you specified Michael, just exactly according to how you specified. IF you know what I mean!

MICHAEL
I see.

PAM
We can wear these, for sure!

(He comes in, nose a flaring)

HR
I’m going to have to shut this down, this is discriminatory and breaks about 18 different office codes of conduct.

INT. Michael’s office

Dwight is packing the uniforms back into the box. He is folding each one.

DWIGHT
Wow!

MICHAEL
Wow is right, how much did these cost you?!

DWIGHT
You mean, how much did they cost the company?!

MICHAEL
No, I mean, how much did they cost you?!

DWIGHT
Well, they cost ME $200.

MICHAEL
Uh hu.

DWIGHT looks at Michael resentfully.

MICHAEL gets up and takes down the Jennie Finch poster

INT. MICHAEL TALKING HEAD: So, there you go. Not every day, is it, that you win around here. I’m sure there is something about that in the book. Phil Jackson struggled for years against management, you know, before he could have it his way. But there was always, always hope.

PAM
Michael, Janet on line one.

MICHAEL
Yes, thank you. Hello Janet go!

JANET
Hey Michael, it looks like we’re going to have some time after we get down there, so why don’t you bring that cute jogging outfit that I bought you, the one that fits tightly around the thighs.

MICHAEL
Well I-

JANET
See you then.

MICHAEL
Right.

INT. NIGHT. PAM and Kelly are pitching to one another in the warehouse. Pam’s phone rings.

PAM
Hello?!

PAM’s BOYFRIEND
Hey sexy, how bout you let me rip that skirt off you tonight, I am sexy and ready, I just put in some wings and I watching the game!

PAM
I am doing something, I’m busy!

PAM’s BOYFRIEND
Wow baby! Wow!

PAM
I will catch up with you later!

PAM’s BOYFRIEND
WHAT?!

PAM
Good bye!

KELLY
OK, let’s go!

They keep playing softball. The camera pans back as they both continue to play softball, into the night.

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